Uh Written By Kevin Rose Address 2707 Lifestyle lane Kutztown PA 19530 Phone Number 570-592-5249 SCENE 1: CC'S WOODEN GRILLE CC'S SIGN ROSS WALKING IN. CUT TO KEVIN SITTING AT A TABLE WITH ROSS AND KEVIN IS PUTTING DOWN HIS DRINK. CUT TO CU: KEVIN: Would you believe I've dated three Jewish girls throughout my life, and I have never even been invited to one bar mitzvah. CUT TO CU: ROSS: (Sarcastically) Get outta here. CUT TO CU: KEVIN: I mean, they seem like FUN, have you ever gone? CUT TO CU: ROSS: Yeah, I've been to a few. CUT TO CU: Kevin's face goes from curious to saddened KEVIN: Fun? ROSS: Sure, lots of fun CUT TO CU: ROSS: (CONT'D) Hey my heart goes out to you. Oh I checked out that second hand store for props but no go. CUT TO CU: KEVIN: Ah that's a bummer, well we will just have to make due, Where's that waitress I want-a rack-a ribs you dig? CUT TO MS: Ross is shaking his head then folds his hands and brings them up to his mouth. Then he jerks his head back with repulsion. ROSS: UH! Oh my God, my hand stinks! CUT TO CU: KEVIN: What does it smell like? CUT TO CU: ROSS: (Smells it again) I dunno like... here take a whiff. CUT TO CU: Ross's hand approaching Kevin, and Kevin Takes a whiff. KEVIN: Ross! What were you doing? Playing an old game of stink finger? CUT TO CU: ROSS: NO! What did I pick up that would...Oh my god I remember. DISSOLVE TO: Ross walking around the second hand store and looks down to see a doll with white stuff all over it. Looks at it and picks it up. Makes a disgusted face and drops it, move on. Ross/Kevin Narrating... ROSS: I was looking for props and I looked down and saw this doll laying there and it was covered in this white stuff. KEVIN: Ah, the victim of some young mans imagination. DISSOLVE TO CU: ROSS: (Grossed out looking face) Oh, oh god, I have to wash my hands. CUT TO MS: Ross gets up to leave and waitress is walking over. CUT TO CU: WAITRESS: Hey what would you...wait you're Kevin Rose aren't you? CUT TO CU: KEVIN: Hey, yes I am and you...you're my waitress aren't you? CUT TO CU: WAITRESS: (Looking excited/confused) Um, yeah yeah I am. I just wanted to say how much I loved K.U.P.D., it was so funny, but I do have a couple suggestions if you would hear me out. CUT TO CU: KEVIN: Suggestions? CUT TO CU: WAITRESS: Yeah like maybe having Barbra Steisand play the girl. CUT TO CU: KEVIN: Steisand as the Russian chick? CUT TO CU: WAITRESS: Yeah! CUT TO CU: KEVIN: The lady from Yentl? No way. Any other suggestions? CUT TO CU: WAITRESS: Yeah, how about some more sex? Like a nice Titanic scene. CUT TO CU: KEVIN: More Sex?! Did you even watch the flick? There was no room for sex especially a Titanic scene. CUT TO MS: Ross arrives back at the table smelling his hands and shaking his head. Kevin is waving hand in front of the waitresses face. ROSS: They still smell, maybe I need a stronger soap or a brillo pad. Oh, hello I'll have the pulled pork sandwich and a coke...Hello? CUT TO CU: Waitress and Kevin staring at each other is anger.. CUT TO CU: KEVIN: She saw K.U.P.D., and she thought a Titanic sex scene was needed. ROSS: Oh no, that wouldn't do. CUT TO CU: WAITRESS: You guys...you guys just don't get it. CUT TO CU: KEVIN: Yeah, yeah speaking of getting it, how about my ribs and his sandwich huh? Waitress storms off. KEVIN: (CONT'D) So the stink prevails? CUT TO CU: ROSS: Yes it's very...very rank. CUT TO CU: KEVIN: Well you're in luck I know a guy whose very steeped in herbal medicines. We will go there right after we eat. He'll fix you up. DISSOLVE TO: SCENE 2: HERBAL MAN. Leave the last scene as a medium shot of the two of them sitting at a table. Then dissolve into this scene with Kevin and Ross in the smoke filled room of the Herbal Man. Try to make Ross and Kevin in the same spot/distance from each other as they were in the restaurant. In between the two is the Herbal Man with a sliver of light on his face (Pepper kit). CUT TO MS: KEVIN: Thanks for seeing us. CUT TO CU: HERBAL MAN: No problem, I just got some very potent... CUT TO MS: KEVIN: Oh no, I don't need anything like that. My friend here has a problem...go ahead. ROSS: Well I picked up a very rank doll at a second hand store. CUT TO CU: HERBAL MAN: You...like dolls? I've got dolls. CUT TO MS: ROSS: No I don't need a doll, the doll I picked up ended up making my fingers smell and I can't get rid of the smell. CUT TO CU: HERBAL MAN: Let me smell it. CUT TO CU: Ross looks to Kevin uncomfortably. Then reluctantly leans forward to let Herbal Man smell his fingers. Cut to a close up of the nose (only thing lit) smelling the fingers. CUT TO MS: HERBAL MAN: That doll...the victim of some young mans imagination. CUT TO MS: ROSS: I see why you come to this guy. CUT TO CU: HERBAL MAN: I know what you need...be right back. CUT TO MS: Herbal man gets up and walks out of the shot. Ross turns to Kevin. ROSS: So when you don't have a smell you can't kick, what do you come to this guy for? KEVIN: Spiritual guidance, and you know, makes a mean tea oh! hey Herb! All go well? Herbal Man walking back into shot. CUT TO CU: As he is sitting down, cut on that. Hands vial over to Ross. HERBAL MAN: Apply two times a day, once when you get up once before slumber. It'll be gone in a week. CUT TO MS: ROSS: Hey thanks a lot man. Can't wait to get rid of this smell. Well lets go. HERBAL MAN: (V.O.) Ahem! Ross and Kevin look at Herb. HERBAL MAN: 15.90 with tax. ROSS: Oh sure, sure um...lets see 12 40, Kev you got 3.50? KEVIN: 3.50? Um I dunno lets... Improv that area... Fade to Black End Scene. SCENE 3: THE POTION Medium shot of inside a car Ross and Kevin in the front seat. KEVIN: Alright, lets try it out. ROSS: Right here? KEVIN: Yeah make sure it's not fake. ROSS: Fake? KEVIN: Yeah fake, you never know with these guys. ROSS: Ok then Ross opens vial. Smells it. ROSS: Woah, this stuff reeks! KEVIN: Let me smell. Kevin smells and pulls back. KEVIN: Now that is pungent stuff woooey. Alright apply it. CUT TO CU: ROSS: Here we go, good bye stank hello (All the while applying the stuff) woah...man this stuff is pungent. Looks over to Kevin and Kevin has a mask or something to imply's Ross is tripping. Cut back to Ross acting freaked out. KEVIN: (V.O.) What's up man, you ok? ROSS: Where did you get that mask? CUT TO CU: KEVIN: Oh boy. Let me see that vial. (Takes a taste with his finger) Hey-o, ok it's going to be a long rest of the day. I'll take you back to my place. We'll brave the storm there CUT TO LS: The car they are in starts driving away.Next convo V.O. ROSS: Brave the storm? Will there be flowers? KEVIN: If you want there to be. Fade to Black. SCENE END Ross walking again into CC's, same thing/vibe as opening scene. CUT TO CU: KEVIN: You know when you go to the mall and these people come up to you and ask if they could put lotion on your hands? What I tell them is (Lifts up hand with hand in sleeve) NO HAND! CUT TO CU: Ross looking bored as hell. CUT TO CU: ROSS: That's wonderful. CUT TO CU: KEVIN: They never see it coming it scares the hell out of them every time. I love that kinda stuff man. Anyway, how's your (hand gesture) stink fingers? CUT TO CU: ROSS: Great they smell better than they did before. That guy was great what was his name? CUT TO CU: KEVIN: Herb CUT TO CU: ROSS: HERB! I love that guy, how'd you meet that guy? CUT TO CU: KEVIN: Well I run in circles, you know, many circles different interests... CUT TO CU: ROSS: (Interrupting) Oh it doesn't matter can you give me his number? CUT TO CU: KEVIN: He's not too keen on having random people call him but, ok I'll write it down. Now remember to tell him from Kevin, then he'll know you're cool. CUT TO CU: Close up of Kevin writing down Herbs number and writing "From Kevin" at the bottom and underlining it. Ross grabs it. ROSS: (V.O.) ok will do. CUT TO MS: Waitress walks into scene. WAITRESS: Hey guys how can I...Hey Kevin. CUT TO CU: KEVIN: Waitress. WAITRESS: Half rack of ribs, pulled pork? CUT TO MS: KEVIN: That's right. Waitress walks off screen DISSOLVE TO CU: Close up of done food zoom out to a MS of the two. Then they say something to get them going. Both get up and leave but leave the piece of paper that Kevin wrote down Herbs number on. Then the camera zooms in on the paper or cuts whatever works. Then the waitress comes back into scene and picks up the piece of paper. The piece of paper says the number plus from Kevin on it as a joke. She thinks it's from Kevin as a date thing. Other waitress walks up. WAITRESS #2: What's that's? WAITRESS: It's Kevin's number. WAITRESS #2: Are you gunna call? WAITRESS: Yeah, I think. WAITRESS #2: I thought you hated him. WAITRESS: I did but I didn't know he liked me. Fade to Black. SCENE 5: A MISCOMMUNICATION Waitress sitting down in a chair, Pulls out phone and dials Kevin's number. Cut to inside Herb's room same set up as before. He picks up his phone. HERBAL MAN: Hello? CUT TO: WAITRESS: Hello, Kevin? It's the waitress. CUT TO: HERBAL MAN: Um, Ah, (Changes voice) Yes hello, it is I Kevin Rose Haha haha haha. CUT TO: Waitress Smiling you can hear over the phone. HERBAL MAN: (V.O.) Um, what is it that you are wearing. Shot opens up to include the other waitress sitting there. Waitress makes a face and covers up the phone. WAITRESS: Wow. He's very up front. WAITRESS #2: What he say? WAITRESS: He asked what I was wearing. WAITRESS #2: Well tell him! Fade to Black THE END